Boo-oops

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
theambivalentagender
emilybeemartin

I saw a post saying that Boromir looked too scruffy in FotR for a Captain of Gondor, and I tried to move on, but I’m hyperfixating. Has anyone ever solo backpacked? I have. By the end, not only did I look like shit, but by day two I was talking to myself. On another occasion I did fourteen days’ backcountry as the lone woman in a group of twelve men, no showers, no deodorant, and brother, by the end of that we were all EXTREMELY feral. You think we looked like heirs to the throne of anywhere? We were thirteen wolverines in ripstop.

My boy Boromir? Spent FOUR MONTHS in the wilderness! Alone! No roads! High floods! His horse died! I’m amazed he showed up to Imladris wearing clothes, let alone with a decent haircut. I’m fully convinced that he left Gondor looking like Richard Sharpe being presented to the Prince Regent in 1813

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*electric guitar riff*

And then rocked up to Imladris a hundred ten days later like

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emilybeemartin

Some people have been wondering about the raccoon. Listen. Listennn. Don't ask about the raccoon.

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mavaris

But does the racoon survive the Uruk-Hai? Does he curl up on Aragorn's head, or does he go straight to Faramir? Does he bite Denethor?

emilybeemartin

My friend. My colleague. My brother my captain my king. I too have been pondering this question, and in my mind there can be only one ultimate outcome.

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A few months later

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All hail the High Warden of Gondor.

Epilogue: It ADORES Faramir.

elodieunderglass

I’m going to wear this on my head like a raccoon and show everyone

fanart lotr lmaoooo
susiephone
susiephone

Ok but a crossover between Santa Clarita Diet and Addams Family.

The seemingly most whitebread, normie couple in America moves in next door to the Addamses and their mansion of horrors.

Gamez and Morticia are friendly as always if a little confused by all the pastels and realtor signs. Joel and Sheila bring cookies and introduce themselves and try not to gawk at Lurch. Gomez invites them in, insisting they must meet his darling wife, and Joel, my boy, have you blown up a model train recently? It'll relieve all that tension in your shoulders! and Abby is absolutely intrigued and delighted by the bear rug and the disembodied hand and the daughter with the headless doll. Sheila has no idea what to talk about with Morticia so she rambles about how Morticia needs to tell her where she got that dress, and about how great their kids are.

Both couples walk away from the interaction thinking, "Well, they seem nice, but aren't they a little odd?" It's a pleasant if somewhat weird afternoon for the Hammonds and the Addamses.

Then, one day while all the kids are at school, Gomez and Morticia hear shrieking from the Hammonds' house. Not wanting to miss the fun, they rush over...

...and find the kitchen absolutely coated in blood, Sheila standing over a half-devoured corpse with more blood smeared around her mouth, and Joel already getting the mop out of the closet.

Joel and Sheila hear the door open and know they are screwed. There is no way they can say this isn't what it looks like, and, oh, God, they don't want to kill their new neighbors, living room guillotine aside they seem like really good people and Sheila was going to invite them to her book club-

And then they look over at Gomez and Morticia, and see two of the happiest, most delighted smiles in the world.

Boom.

Instant best friends.

the addams family santa clarita diet
shortforbeverage

Anonymous asked:

How do you piss with a hard on

thickness-protection-program answered:

If your dick curves or points down like this then you’re fine

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If your dick pops straight out like this then just give it a nudge down and you’re fine

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If your dick curves or points up like this then good luck and god speed my friend

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comfort-eagle

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Remembered this guide from the rage era, hope this helps (pretty sure C is impossible though, me and 4 guys tried peeing upside down in the scouts)

thickness-protection-program

Get this post to 10k notes and I'll do C to the best of my ability

thickness-protection-program

Please stop reblogging this

megaraye
cryptonature

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I bet octopuses think bones are horrific. I bet all their cosmic horror stories involve rigid-limbs and hinged joints.

underthehedge

To an octopus, a human is like a thinking being with blood-stained coral growing inside it.

naamahdarling

I need to sit down and breathe into a bag for a while.

therobotmonster

Its parts were obscenely limited in their movement. Each hinge could open or close only a small amount before reaching its limit, yet by working in concert they demonstrated unexpected dexterity, moving and manipulating the objects before it with cunning equal to my own. It was more torso than limb, as though a seal had been stretched and warped, given long grasping tentacles filled with bones like bars of coral.  It’s head was most horrid of all, flat and ovoid, jutting out too small from the trunk as though it belonged to a beast half its size.

The thing rose upon its lowermost appendages, two long trunks that ended in flat, protruding flippers that branched into stubby, grasping mockeries of a sucker. It’s triple-hinged uppermost limbs were similar, but the ends branched into five smaller tentacles, each with three hinges of their own.

I froze, as the thing’s gaze fell upon me and it opened its hideous fish-jaw, filled with thick, many-shaped teeth like white shards of stone, and spoke in a shrill, discordant babble. I felt its horrid dry grip on my flesh, as those hinged appendages closed on me like the legs of a crab.

I felt the heat of its body, tasted its noxious, oily flesh through my touch, and prepared for the end, and all went black as a swoon overtook me.

I awoke, some time later, the cold and comforting water, banished back to the comfort of the sea and the dark. I should be grateful I am alive. I should cast aside the experience like a half-remembered dream.

I shall never again go swimming in search of lights above. The last thing I recall before the darkness took me was my right eye popping free of the thing’s grasp enough to see into the distance for one brief moment.

I saw thousands of lights.

evilkitten3

ok so it turns out “horror but it’s about something mundane from the perspective of a non-human animal” fucks severely

storytime
theambivalentagender
margotkim

Do you ever think about how staggeringly in bad taste it is that Gandalf brought a firework that turns into Smaug to Bilbo’s birthday party

Like how were you hoping that would go

bilbobagginsbrainrotblog

*gandalf voice* so bilbo lived to be 111 huh? it would be a shame if someone or something caused him to go into c a r d i a c a r r e s t

rohirric-hunter

Gandalf: I’m still not a hundred percent sure that magic ring is artificially extending Bilbo’s life, so let’s run some tests.

whetstonefires

i would note that bilbo was the only person at the party not even slightly alarmed, so possibly gandalf just knows him well

missoyashirou

“You know what would be the greatest gift I could give Bilbo on his 111th birthday? Making Lobelia and Otho Sacksville-Baggins shit their pants at the party.” 

optimysticals

^ That’s real friendship

the hobbit